In the last few weeks I have managed to upset a number of people with words I have written, words that I have spoken or words that someone thinks they heard me say. I have a very low tolerance for upsetting people. I don’t deal well with the conflict and I want everyone to like me. I would like that aspect of my character to change some what.
In one case I intended to stir the pot with my words. I challenged a couple of pushy broads in a public forum dedicated to controversial topics. It came as a major shock to me when the husbands of these less than timid women felt the need to come to their defense. That was not a reaction I felt comfortable being the cause of.
I used the particulars of someone’s life to express my own opinion and after the fact asked for permission. I can understand being told no. I was a little surprised by the degree of hurt it seemed to cause.
I avoided saying directly something that needed to be said, hoping that body language and not so subtle discouragement would send the message. I kept putting it off because I knew it wouldn’t be received well. I didn’t want to deal with the hurt it may cause. I should have said something sooner. When I finally gathered the courage to say what needed to be said it was not well received.
I wrote a proper business letter that got someone very steamed. That was certainly not my intent. I can only guess as to what it was that I wrote that upset them so, since the hand-scrawled note on the back of my letter didn’t indicate which part exactly had upset them. The barely legible note on the back of my recycled letter arrived by mail many weeks later. The part about being upset was blacked out by a marker and I held it to the light to read it. This may have been a clue that my innocent comments about technology making the mechanics of writing easier and younger folks being more computer savvy were unwarranted and directed to the wrong audience. I certainly hope this was a sarcastic format response and not the true nature of a business that makes a living with the written word.
Someone overheard a phone conversation I was having and misinterpreted the meaning of words I said and heard words I did not say about thoughts I do not have and never have had. If you are going to listen in on someone’s conversation please hear it right. I have enough trouble with what I do write and say.
I did not keep true to some words I said a week ago and did not call to excuse myself. That can still come back to haunt me. I was out of words. I had no more words to say and no more room for words to hear. I needed to be alone with as few thoughts as possible.
So what is the point?
This last month I have felt a real chill on my ability to express myself freely for fear of hurting someone else’s feelings. I have choices about what to do. I can avoid writing about people as much as possible and stick to plants and nature. I can avoid dealing with and speaking to people as much as possible and stick to plants and nature. That is not a healthy choice for me, a hermit of sorts by nature. I can learn the art of fiction and change things to obscure actual people. I can develop a thicker skin and learn to deal with conflict. There are probably other options I have not thought of yet.
Perhaps this is a good time to reveal the fact that I am a sober alcoholic. I have not had a drink in over five years. I can no longer hide from, avoid, dull or ignore my feelings with the use of alcohol. I have to learn how to deal with them. I understand why some people can’t stay sober and I understand why some sober alcoholics commit suicide. I have had more thoughts about wanting to drink in this last month of dangerous words than ever before. The fact that I own a computer and am actually writing words down is because I have continued to stay sober over a long period of time. Alcohol can take it all away very quickly.
I have about 210 photographs from my travels in Florida and North Carolina. As I organize and edit them I need to be thinking about the stories they can tell and how to tell them with words that can often be dangerous. You see dangerous words can be somewhat of a dilemma for me. They come partly from being sober but they may become an excuse to drink if I do not handle them with care.
If people do not seem to be much of a point of focus of my attention you can attribute that to hyper-sensitivity from both sides. The instant nature of publishing and world wide access of the web may contribute to my reticence to write about people and new found respect for individual privacy.
This is a sculpture at the North Carolina Arboretum just south of Asheville, a truly spectacular botanical garden. I wish I had taken a close up of the plaque giving the artist’s name and description of the work. It was titled “Extinction”. It some how seems appropriate for this post with all the human hands competing for attention and clutching at nature.